5.9 KiB
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She is not feeling heard after twice being asked why she is upset
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There were things that I did address yesterday and some things that I didn’t - [ ] Yes she feels not heard out even though she is saying I did address her concerns - [ ] Sometimes I did address her responses and other times I shifted to what she didn’t do - [ ] Energy felt combative and like it didn’t feel like it was going to be productive - [ ] Both times she asked - [ ] Still feels like I did not hear her out and that she also felt betrayed bc I asked why she was crying and instead of listening I gave counter arguments - [ ] Didn’t happen either time - [ ] Seemed like I was looking for things to negate her feelings - [ ] She needs to me listen and understand and tune in - [ ] Try and figure why she is feeling that way and not bring up things I have done for her to prove why she shouldn’t feel that way - [ ] That’s the way it felt
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Both of those things can be true
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I asked why she was crying and she tried to share she was not feeling heard
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I told that and called her a liar and that I was disappointed in her and that’s not ok
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The assumption I made that she was avoiding talking to me were untrue and upsetting
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It feels frustrating having meaning assigned to things without asking
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It was very upsetting in the bedroom when she asked not raise my voice and I said I would not bc she was a liar
- Or something to that affect
- Disrespectful and not ok
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She feels very angry and frustrated and hurt by the energy I brought into our relationship the last two days and the lack of support she has felt
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This led to her feeling overwhelmingly frustrated in the bedroom and yes she was jumping not trying to move closer not trying to intimidate me feeling worthless bc of the way she was talked to about the bedding
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Felt worthless and scared in the kitchen when I was telling her that the conversation would not go well for her and me mimicking running towards her, interrupting her and continuing to yell at her all felt threatening and not something that she feels comfortable with in a relationship
- Felt like shit that she already felt like trash and not thanked for washing and making the bed
- While I was away this weekend
- And the first thing noted was how she should have put the bed mat
- What did she feel threatened about
- Being deliberately cruel when talking to you
- Palpable when I’m frustrated the way I’m talking and looking at her feels deliberately cruel
- She feels it will be intentionally cruel if she continues the conversation
- Talk however I want or say whatever I want
- Yelling is also threatening as she doesn’t like being yelled at
- It makes her heart race and it doesn’t want to be something the kids see
- Esp when she has asked for it to stop and I say no
- Previous trama feeling unsafe when things I have done while yelling at her
- She was trying to be heard so she raised her voice and was trying by to release energy by jumping bc she was feeling so unheard and she was frustrated from the last two days of being shit on she felt like
- And yes she was just overwhelmed with frustration and wanting me to just listen to her
- Not to twist it on things she could have done and just listen and treat her with some dignity
- Felt like shit that she already felt like trash and not thanked for washing and making the bed
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My comments to her when she let me know she was going to the grocery store were hurtful and inflammatory
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She understands that I might be upset by things she has done but it’s not the time or place for me to share them
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Talking to her feels rude and disrespectful
- Discuss after
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Don’t appreciate me saying she has been the one that has been aggressive and she doesn’t feel heard
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It felt upsetting my response that she let Mel ow she was going to the grocery store
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Interacting with me since I came home from my trip for the most part has made her feel like trash
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She has felt taken advantage of, unseen and like assumptions were being made about her
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The way I have been interacting with her has felt very terrible
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She is sad
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She is frustrated
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And she is really tired of giving all she has and then being told I can’t look outside myself right now and also feel criticized
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It really hurts and it doesn’t make you feel supported in our marriage
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It felt scary to her the way I was interacting with her in the kitchen
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It feels awful the way I talk with her when I am frustrated and how things I say to her seem to be said to hurt her and seem to be spiteful
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She didn’t appreciate the jab at her about going to the grocery store and I wasn’t worried unless she was going to jump up and down and come near her
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There was no need for that when she is just letting me know she is going to the grocery store
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Yes she asked for a break but it was deemed important to her for me to know bc of the potential ramification to the kids
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She is deeply hurt and sad by the way she has been treated by me and the unkindness she has felt from me
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She deserves better than the treatment she had gotten the last two days
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She walked away from both of those convos where I asked why she was crying feeling like trash and needing to ask for a break bc she wasn’t feeling heard
Actions
- Try and remember to not ask why she is crying to expose myself to adhering to feeling talk rules
- Ask for breaks sooner if I’m feeling triggered to not get to points it did
- Work on wording around it won’t go well and not saying that to not come across as threatening
- Work on not making assumptions
- When frustrated distance myself or do something else to avoid hurtful jabs at her Her suggestions
- Take no out of the equation when she asks for me to stop yelling at her
- If I can’t stop yelling ask for a break or remove myself