5.1 KiB
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Still hurt by the way I treat her and the kids when I’m upset or frustrated
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Is not acceptable
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It is so defeating to feel like everything is going g great and then when I’m frustrated it all goes out the window
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It doesn’t seem like any positives are remembered by me and she is repeatedly villainized
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Yesterday she asked several times to stop blaming her and unloading on her
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My response was I had so much more and could keep going - I could do so much more
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At that point I was being willfully hurtful to her
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Again she asked me to stop digging in and stop blaming her for last two days and she mentioned we both had things we were upset about and that we should talk about it at a later time
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To which I continued to list all the ways it was her fault for the last two days and kept mentioning the shower
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I repeatedly telling her I want nothing to do with her, forget the shower, I don’t want to be near her feels really aggressive and hurtful and could have been accomplished by asking for a break
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I brought up repeatedly that my feelings or thoughts weren’t being addressed - however she feels she tried to own up to some things, not everything, it wasn’t perfect
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Thursday night was a hard night for her
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She did apologize for not letting me know she needed to vent
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And she said she would be mindful of that going forward
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Acknowledged I was frustrated about the dishes and suggested to keep one side clear to help with it
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Then it feels like none of that gets acknowledged and it’s only the negatives / talk about this too
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It feels like when I’m triggered I go out of my way to make her feel as shitty as possible
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Several things last couple days that were concerned to her and they were all deflected on
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When she was concerned about Alice’s tablet being hidden - was passed over and it was needing to be a convo between the two of us
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When she tried to bring to my attention that I belittled Alice when she asked to have her hair braided before bed - the focus became that I took something away from me
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She had mentioned twice previously and gave no indication I was going to talk to her about it
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So she was concerned and it was completely deflected on
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I brought up again that I would like to switch roles with her
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What I had said was I work for 8 hours and you are just with the kids
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She has asked me to stop. It diminishes her feeling of self worth and what she might be feeling is an overwhelming task to serve our family
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My response was that is how I talk and could have been curious about it instead of villainizing me
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She has the right to be upset about something I said and bring it to me without me putting it on her for not being curious
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I deflected again today when she asked if I was able to talk about something - talk about this
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When she let me know the note was written for herself. I said ok and then deflected on how there were different ways she could remind herself is not an appropriate response
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To add insult to injury I pointed out that she shares her feelings more often and that it’s like pulling teeth to listen to my concerns
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However we have been over the reason for that many times. I keep choosing to deflect when she is bringing stuff up when she is trying to be heard - talk about this as
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Ask for time and space to talk about concerns but NOT feelings?
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This is my fault as I asked what I can do
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Good idea to ask if the other person is available to listen
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About all conversations that are more serious
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Upsetting how I talk to her in front of the kids when she was trying to finish what she was saying
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She understands she shouldn’t have mimicked me. Her bad. Poor choice.
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When she tried to finish what she was saying and citing the point in the conversation when I said feelings with a tone, I interrupted and gestured to the kids saying wow that’s a great thing to teach the kids that I deserved it
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It feels like living with jekle and Hyde. Everything is fine until the moment it’s not. And then it’s like I have no decency towards her. Upsetting to her and the kids to have me act that way. It needs to stop.
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Several times over the last few days she tried to bring it together that we as a couple are hurt and have things we are both upset about - every time I persisted to blame her
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She was trying to work towards a solution and my focus was blame
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Don’t feel like anything will change based on the way I’m acting right now
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Mistreatment of her and the kids
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No she has no hope any of this will change
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Highly concerning how I act when I’m frustrated
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Kids are noticing - Alice convo at dinner
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Don’t know what action has been taken since we last talked
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It’s all good till triggered then it’s like a fucking war zone
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She is sick of it
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Leave conversation as soon as I am annoyed with you
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#Christina